Reality’s Deception

Everyone Always Leaves
Flying Away in the Wind
Flying Away from Me
Trying not to get Sick

Downhill…
Downhill…
Downhill…

How could I be so stupid?
Thinking You were Different
Captivated by your Imprint
What if I’m just Being Stupid?

Am I Overthinking everything?
Am I just Clinging to everything?
Should I be Aware of everything?
Or am I Too Aware of everything?

Downhill..

Downhill..

Downhill..

Naive or Hyperaware? Which am I?
Everything is so undefined.
Are you a Red Flag? Or am I?
Or these Green Flags that I find?
Am I really that Colorblind?

Are you an Angel or a Witch?
I can’t tell which is which..
Have you Blessed me with a Kiss?
Or Pained me with this Itch?

Bringing Joy so Euphoric
Sleep is almost Chloroformic
Dreaming feels So Dysphoric
You Fill Me with Endorphins

Then Reality Catches up to Me.
And then my Trauma starts to Speak To Me.
Everything becomes so Clear To Me.
Did You ever even Care For Me?

Downhill

Downhill

Downhill

How could I Be so Blind?
Sell my Soul and Sign
Right on the Dotted Line ….
God, I’m losing my mind ….

Crumbling Before me is my Date
Humbling my Mental State.
Stumbling Before me is my Fate
Tumbling Down to my Death.

My Life only gets Worse.
Losing Sight of my Curse.
Now the Bubble has Burst.
My Heart is in a Hearse.

My Mind fills with Conjecture
When the Future’s unsure
My Pain’ll help me Endure
I’ll Build back Stronger.

A Sign of Change, I Thought
This Time I’ll Change, I Thought
This Curse, it can be Fought
For a moment I forgot
A Lesson I’ve been Taught

Kicked like a Dead Horse
This love’s a Dead Force
Oh shit, I’m the Source
Can’t fix what I Reinforce

Downhill
Downhill
Downhill

I should’ve Recorded your Voice
I can’t remember your Voice
It was Beautiful, I know that fact,
but what it sounds like, I can’t remember that.

No up in sight.
No love in sight.
No one to fight.
I’m done with this fight.

I’ve forgotten You,
but I can never forget You.
Will You Forget me?
Have You already Forgotten me?

No rise in sight.
This Ride only goes One Way.
The Only Way off is to Jump.

If Life is a game, and Pain is my Fate,
Only Way to Stop is Not To Play.

Jump. It’s a Simple Plan.
I only wanted to Hold your Hand.
Nevertheless, Alone I Stand.
It Won’t even Hurt when I Land.

Downhill
Downhill
Downhill

Trust is a Tricky Thing.
I’d rather Run Away,
even Die to Escape
You Controlling my Fate.

Am I afraid of Losing You?
Am I afraid of Hurting You?
Or being Rejected by You?

No.

I’m Scared of being Hurt By You.

The more I Think,
The more I Fall…

Downhill.

Downhill.

Downhill.

My brain goes Absurd
When things are obscure
If the Future’s unsure
My Self-Worth is blurred.

There is literally Nothing Worse

Than not knowing what’s going on.

At some point, I just need to Let Go.

Reality catches up to me.
My Feelings catch up to me.
My Brain catches up to me.
Overthinking everything…

Drowning

Drowning

Drowning

I need to Stop Overthinking.
But am I Still Overthinking?
How do I Stop Overthinking
Without Stopping my Thinking?

I could die, That’d do the trick.
A simple Jump, it’d be swift.
All Thinking would stop quick.
Then would my Anxiety lift?

Would I be Able to Breathe?
Could I be Able to Think?
Should I Jump and just Leave
My Body in the river to Sink?

But then the Thoughts will win.

My Struggles and Pain will win.

I can’t let my Trauma win.

I can’t let my brain Kill me.
All of these thoughts Fill me.
Why can’t life Fulfill me?
How bad could one Pill be?

Drowning
Drowning
Drowning

God I feel so Paranoid?
Is it me you’re trying to Avoid?
Did I make you feel weird or Annoyed?
Or did you honestly feel Joy?

Are you Really happy?
Are you Really that busy?
You can’t find time for me?
Do you Want time for me?
Are you just Lying to me?

All of this Over a Love?
Someone I Thought I loved?
Someone I Thought I lost
Seems silly if that’s Why I Drop.
I mean, Really, it’s A Bit Much.

Or is it Deeper than That?
Or this River Deeper than That?
Is my Pain Deeper than That?
How Deep will my body Sink in That?
How Deep will my mind Sink in That?
How Deep does this Pain Go?
How Far does this River Flow?

Invalidating
Invalidating
Invalidating

Invalidating Myself
Invalidating Your Health
Invalidating Your Word
Invalidating My Worth

Dying
Dying
Dying

Dying Inside
Dying Outside
Wish I were Dying
Inside of my Mind.

Reality calls Out to me.

Breathes Out for me.

She Counts for me.

She Grounds me.

Reality Calls to me.

Calls in a Dream to me.

How bad can Life be for me?

The Bees Flutter their Wings

The Leaves Brush in the Breeze

The Heat Blazes in the Spring

It seems Summer’s come Early.

The Birds Chirp Happily.

It’s Healing for me.

Revealing to me.

There’s More to Life than my Pain.

There’s More to Death than Escape.

There’s More to Love than Loss.

There’s More to Learn from This.

But is learning the problem?
I thought I’d learned before,
but it seems I have lessons galore.
Always more lessons to learn.

More
More
More

When does it end?
When does it stop?
When can I stop?
I don’t want to drop.

My only Choice is to Drop, it Seems.
I don’t Have the Voice to Shout, it Seems.
I Barely can Whisper, and Go Unheard.
How long must I Continue to Endure?

I just want this Cycle to End.
I want the Learning to End.
Learned the wrong Lesson again and Again.
And Again and Again And Again and Again.

When will I Learn the Right Lesson?
How will I learn the Right Lesson?
Will I ever learn the Right Lesson?
Is there such a thing as the Right Lesson?
How will I know when I find the Right Lesson?
What does it mean for it to be the Right Lesson?

I’ve adapted to Survive my Trauma.
Have I maladapted to Survive my Trauma?
Have my Maladaptions made me want to die
to Avoid Experiencing more Trauma?

When does this End?
Does this ever End?
How long must I Fend?
Forever avoiding the End?

The End of What?

The End of Pain?

The End of Joy?

The End of Doubt?

The End of Dreams?

The end of… Me?

It’s really scary.
I don’t know what to choose.
Do I need to Say my Peace?
Do I need to Pay my Dues?
Do I continue to Lose
This War to Survive?
Do I Continue to Refuse
to See that I Can’t Thrive?

Am I being Naive Again?
Am I too Blind to See Again?
The River runs Deep Again.
Am I ignoring Reality Again?

What is Reality?

Is it Gusts of Wind that Call my Name?

Is it Trauma and Loss that Bring me Pain?

Is it my Curse that Wields my Fate?

Is Reality my Helper? Or my Stalker?

It watches me.
It calls to me.
It beckons me.
It bleeds for me.

It screams “Come Here” one Day.

Whispers “Stay Here” the Next.

Am I in Reality Already?

Or Must I Embark for It?

Where does Reality Start and End?
Where does my Pain Start and End?
Where does my Love Start or End?
Where does my Life Start and End?

I don’t know what to do.

I don’t know where to go.

I don’t have the strength to choose.

What voice to listen to?

God this Has To End.
I Have To Make This End.
I don’t Want This To End.
I don’t Want To Leave.

Will they be Sad if I Go?

Am I a Burden if I Stay?

Is it Bad that I Don’t Know?

How Others Feel about my Fate?

What is Fate?
Can I Control it?
Should I Control it?
Must I Control it?

It’d be Easier to Let Go.

Let a Friend have the Reins

Let a Friend control my Fate.
But I don’t like Letting Go.

Trust is a Tricky thing.
I’d rather Run Away.
Even Die to Escape
You Controlling my Fate.

There is literally Nothing Worse

than Not Knowing what’s going on.

At some point, I just need to Let Go.

These Voices Contradict.
Why do they Seem to Mix.
How could they Possibly Agree
When what they Preach is so Distinct?

God I’m Falling Apart.

Before My Very Eyes.

I Don’t know What to Trust.

Everything’s Telling me Lies.

Everyone’s Telling me Lies.
Who are the Voices?
Are they Me?
Is Reality Me?
Is Reality Real?
What is Real, if not Reality?

Is “real” real?

Is there such a thing?

What is a “thing”?

Trust is a Tricky Thing.
Do I Trust Myself?
If I can’t Trust Myself?
Who Can I Trust?

Rather Hand Away
Control of the Reins
Even Live to Escape
Letting Me Control my Fate.

Who do I give them to?
Who do I afford that power?
Who do I force upon that power?
Does anyone even want that power?
Do I want anyone to have that power?

Living life a Marionette
Doesn’t seem like Living.
But Living in this Pit
is worse than Dying.

If I hand the Reins, I’m a Marionette.
At least I know who controls the strings.
The voices, they control me like a puppet.
But who are the voices? What is Reality?
Who’s hand is up my ass, in my brain, controlling me?

Why can’t I be normal?
Why can’t I be happy?
Why can’t be healthy?
Why can’t I be me?
Why can’t be enough?

For me?
For anyone?
For anything?
I’m failure, I know that much.
That’s all I know for sure.

My brain says It’s True,
but the Voice is a Funny Thing.
Is it Lying to Me Again?
Am I Lying to Me Again?

What if I am Enough?

What if I can be Tough?

What if I can Fix my Brain??

What if I don’t have to be Deranged?

What if I can make Change?

What if this time, I’ll be Different.

That’s the Trap I feel in Before.
I have to Learn from before.
Can’t make the Same Mistake Twice.
I’m Living Life by Rolling Dice.

I’m living life by gambling
Making you listen to my rambling.
Learning doesn’t do a fucking thing.
It doesn’t change a goddamn thing.

TTRPG is a Fun Game.
Living Life with Glee is a Fun Game.
Sad but Smiling, not a Fun Game.
Anxiety is Not a Fun Game.

It never ends.

It never stops.

The Fight keeps going.

Forever. And ever. And ever. And ever.

Reality Speaks to me.
I ignore it.
Anxiety Speaks to me.
I ignore it.
Depression Speaks to me.

I try to ignore it.
Ignoring it isn’t the best, but it’s all I’ve got.

My Will Alone will be my Weapon.
My Will to Live will be my Sheild.
My Will to Fight will be my Arsenal.
My Will to Win will be my Law.
My Will to Live will be my Crown.
I, alone, will rule my fate.
I will not let my brain kill me.

The one thing that helps
is knowing I’m not alone.

If I can keep fighting, so can you.
Healing Trauma doesn’t mean “Undo”.
Healing Trauma isn’t a “cure”.

Healing Trauma means..
Living Demure
When Life is Unsure.

One Day at a Time,
When you can’t Find
A very good Rhyme.

For Better or Worse,
When you’re Feeling Cursed,
When you have Blessing Galore,
When you’re Crying on the Floor,
Or you’re Buying Toys at the Store,
Reality is All of These Things and More.

Cherish the Joy when it Finds You.

Survive the Pain when it Finds You.

Ignore the Voices when the Call you.

The Voices are All Lying to You.

You Find Pain just Being You, and

You’ll Find Love just Being You.

You Will Inspire by Being You.

You Are Enough just by Being You.

Don’t Give up. Control Your Own Fate.

Keep Living. Keep Being You.