What is Love?
What do you think about when you hear the word “love”? It’s a tough question to answer because it’s a really big word. It can have so many different connotations and meanings for different people. For some, this word may be associated with “trapped,” “isolated” or perhaps even “enslaved.” For others, it may be linked to words like “secure” or “protected.” When I think of love, I think of “companionship” and “freedom.”
I think the media has done a grotesque job showcasing what actual love can look like. In movies, it’s often depicted in this romanticized, fantastical way. For example, any Hallmark movie ever.
A girl from the “city life” goes back to her small hometown, where she runs into her ex-boyfriend and former high school sweetheart. Throughout the next couple of days or weeks, they start catching up. They go out for dinner a few times and have some laughs. Everything is blissful, and the two people are perfect for each other. They both have the same goals and the same plans for the future, but there’s enough difference in the “city-life” culture shock to keep conversations interesting. There’s one issue, however, when she finds out that she has to go back to the city tomorrow morning. And so, with two minutes left in the movie, she decides to uproot her entire life and stay in the city to be with him. (Obviously, they are all slightly different, but, for the most part, Hallmark is notorious for following this general story structure almost to a T).
We also often see characters in horrific, toxic relationships. An example of a toxic relationship represented as something normal or even something to aspire for is in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
The movie is about a breakup between the main character, Joel, and his (now) ex-girlfriend, Clementine. Joel has hired a company to erase his memories of their entire relationship after finding out Clementine recently went through a similar procedure. Told inside Joel’s mind, we watch as Joel relives the last several years of life. Starting with the bad memories, Joel is heartbroken and angry, but as we go further back and see the love the two once shared, Joel changes his mind. He tries desperately to save just one of the good memories with her but fails all the same. Long story short, the movie ends with Clem and Joel reuniting, hearing about all of the horrors that happened, and deciding that the good outweighs the bad. They decide to stay together anyway.
One of these examples shows a very toxic relationship. The other shows a blissful perfection that can never be achieved. I think the closest I’ve seen to a good interpretation of love in the media is in Avengers: Endgame. There’s a scene where two best friends, Natasha and Clint, find out that one of them needs to die to save the universe. Naturally, both of them begin sprinting for the edge of the cliff. A fight between the two ensues, where both are trying to jump off before the other has the opportunity to. As I watched this in theaters for the fifth time (Yes. I watched Endgame in theaters 5 times. Can you really blame me?), this was one of the first times that I think I started to truly understand what a healthy relationship looks like.
Love is made out to be this grand, bold promise. A promise of commitment; “I’ll never betray you or hurt you,” but this is a lie. Every relationship has struggles and hardships. The Hallmark utopian dream is just that. It’s impossible. Without disagreements, things get boring and stale. Too much struggle, though, is just as bad. As seen in Eternal Sunshine, when there is so much arguing and fighting, where you’re so concerned about being “right” that you stop trying to be understanding, the relationship is draining and isolating. This is a person who you’re supposed to be able to share all of yourself with, but you just get yelled at every time you try. Love is not this big giant commitment. When things get bad and you have to walk away, it’s not because you fell out of love. The relationship just wasn’t healthy.
Love is simply saying, “I’m here when you need me.” Love is wanting to take on the burden of struggling so that they don’t have to. Love is driving down the road, blasting music way too loud in the dead of night. Love is sharing without fear or judgment or ridicule. If you ask me, love is no different in a relationship than in a good friendship. When you are friends with a person and that person decides to stop being good to you, you can always not be friends anymore. Obviously, this is not the first move, but it’s always an option. Love is not enslavement because, at any point, you can always leave. Love is saying, “I know I could leave, but I’m not going to because you’re worth staying with through this struggle.” True love is giving for the sake of giving and not expecting anything in return. In a healthy relationship- whether friendship or romance- both parties will give what they can just because it will make the other person happy.
There will be arguments and struggles. This is not just acceptable, but incredible and important! It means this person values you and trusts you enough to disagree openly. In a healthy relationship, they also respect you enough to bring these up softly, lovingly, and reassuringly. You should be able to sit down and have a deep, fruitful conversation about your differing ideas, and feelings, and come to some level of understanding (and maybe a compromise if needed). True love is without expectations, but also knowing your worth. If someone is not giving you the love you deserve, you should go find someone who will. Remember also that before you can fully love someone else, you must first love yourself.
