Let’s Talk about Vulnerability
It’s a lot easier to reject ourselves than it is for others to reject us. And so, we put up all of these walls and we stop ourselves from allowing others in. If I don’t let anyone get to know me, they will never have an opportunity to leave or to reject me. The trouble here, is that they will never truly have an opportunity to show me love either. Let’s talk about that, together.
Let’s say I have a friend named Tom. Tom wants to get to know me, but because of my own previous trauma, I have let Tom at arm’s length, or worse, I act in a way that I think will make Tom happy, but that isn’t always how I would naturally behave if Tom weren’t around. Tom has an idea of who I am, but who he believes I am is incongruent with who I actually am deep down. In a way, Tom is not friends with me, Tom is friends with the mask I wear.
This causes Tom to feel torn because he isn’t dumb. He knows there is more to me than meets the eye, but I won’t let him see it. This also causes me to feel lonely and exhausted. It is exhausting to constantly wear a mask, and it can be isolating to feel like you have to wear a mask to be accepted by others. After you’ve worn the mask for a while, it can cause fear as well. Two fears start to set in: Fear 1) Tom is going to get tired of waiting for me to take the mask off and he is going to dip and find a friend who is vulnerable, or Fear 2), he will somehow find a way to peak behind the mask, see me for who I really am, and then dip.
These fears reinforce the anxiety which tells me that I need to keep this mask on. This creates a cycle that makes it perpetually more difficult to open up to other people. The longer you wear the mask, the more comfortable it feels, even though it’s actively harming your ability to connect with others in a meaningful way. And so, you’re now stuck in a situation where wearing the mask causes anxiety and fear, but taking off the mask also causes anxiety and fear. What if Tom rejects you?
It’s a lot easier to put on the mask, to act as the person I think Tom wants me to be. The problem with this is that Tom doesn’t get to know me. It removes Tom of the ability to decide for himself whether or not to reject me. It’s not fair for me to control Tom.
The truth is, there is a good chance Tom is going to embrace you and accept you. There is an equally good chance that Tom will not want to be friends with you. Whichever decision, at least, by being yourself, you will know for certain how Tom actually feels, instead of living in fear. There’s a feeling of comfort that arises from the certainty of knowing how things unfold.
Instead of living in limbo, fearful of what will happen when the mask falls off or breaks, at least now you can live knowing how things will unfold. Taking off the mask also allows Tom the ability to have free will. Now that you know that Tom has embraced you for you, you can thought-challenge those voices in your brain saying he doesn’t actually care.
Whatever ends up happening, if you only take away one thing from this, hear this: what Tom or anyone else thinks about you ultimately does not matter. It’s really easy to compare yourself to other people because we generally see people at their best. If someone is stressed (especially someone you don’t know), it’s a lot more likely they will make and pretend to do well. Why is that?
It’s widely accepted that when someone asks “How are you doing?”, that it is socially acceptable to respond with “I’m doing well” even if you are, in fact, not doing well. The goal of this social expectation is to not push problems onto other people. A person scanning your groceries at the store probably does not have the mental bandwidth to handle five hundred customers telling them how are doing in their life. They will still ask “How are you doing?” because, even if you just respond with “I’m doing fine”, it is still nice to feel acknowledged and cared for. This is where it gets tricky, though, because there is a difference between the person scanning your groceries asking you how you are doing, and your best friend asking you how you are doing.
The grocery store employee doesn’t have the mental bandwidth for five hundred people. Your best friend doesn’t have to worry about five hundred people; they only have to worry about you. Your friend wants you to be genuine. Being honest about your struggles with the grocery store worker will probably make the conversation more awkward, but being honest with your friend about your struggles will probably bring you closer together.
Vulnerability is what unifies people. For someone to help us, we have to let them know what we are struggling about. To not feel alone, you have to allow your friends to know the real you. You don’t have to be open with everyone, but you have to be open with someone, in order to foster connection with other people. Yes, some people will see the real you and no longer be interested. That’s okay! There are so many people on this planet who are all so different. There WILL inevitably be people out there who vibe with your energy and will love you all the more when you embrace who you are.
You don’t always have to be the “strong” one. It’s good to be vulnerable, and it’s okay to let people see your weak spots. You don’t always have to be the person helping other people. It’s okay let others help you and see you for who you are. Your value is not determined by other people’s opinions of you. Nor is it determined by your usefulness. Don’t be afraid to be yourself because you are afraid of how other people react. You deserve to be happy being yourself just as much as everyone does. Be yourself. You got this!
