Career Paths & Fear of Time

“What’s your plan for your career?” is the type of question I was asked nonstop when I graduated from high school.

At 18 years old, I had no idea where I wanted to go. People kept asking me, “What college are you going to?” and “What are you majoring in?” and “What career path are you going to dedicate the rest of your life pursuing?” That’s a lot of pleasure to place on an 18-year-old. To be quite honest, that’s a lot of pleasure to place on anyone, no matter what their age is. After many years of bouncing around from fast food to programming to blue-collar to media/entertainment, and now about to go BACK to blue-collar work again… I might’ve finally found the answer to the question. And my answer, of course, is that we are asking young people the wrong question. What is the question we should be asking? To tell you that, we have to go back. So, let’s discuss all of that, together.

While I was a senior in high school, I was doing complete online learning. Honestly, Covid was probably the best thing to happen to me during high school because of my ADHD, but that’s a story for another day. During this time, I was working 20-30 hours per week at the Generic Pizza Place as a food delivery driver. Delivery Driving allowed me to feel a sense of freedom because I was in my own car, driving outside in the beautiful daylight sun, feeling the breeze on my face, but I also felt a strong sense of camaraderie with my fellow Generic-Pizza-Place employees. If the job had paid more than $10 / hour + tips, I would have considered staying around for longer. Nevertheless, I, thankfully, realized that this was not going to be a good strategy long term, so I started looking for other potential sources of income.

When I graduated high school, I did what every teen should do when they are about to make an important life-changing decision: I asked the people in my family who I trusted and looked up to for advice and support. Of course, they told me to pursue the career path which would provide the highest pay. Although I had been considering working at my Uncle Bubba’s semi-truck repair business because of my love for manual labor, I begrudgingly followed their advice and signed up for schooling to learn Web Development. “Maybe they’re right,” I reassured myself. “You used to love coding as a kid.”

One thing I did not realize until after starting the course is that coding is very formulaic. As a child, what I loved about coding was that I could create anything. As long as I was writing in the correct language, I could code anything. This all changed during my programming class. It was less about utilizing creativity to make your wildest dreams a reality, and more about analyzing designs and drawings someone else gave me and then telling the computer to make them real. I was discouraged from breaking from the mold because, even though it functioned, my code was “difficult to follow.”

After graduating and achieving my certification, I decided programming was not for me. Without any idea of where I wanted to go or what I wanted to do, I decided to take a job as a professional mover instead. This allowed me the freedom of working outside, as well as the satisfaction of working with my hands. Sadly, there were also many drawbacks. One of these was that I didn’t know what time I would get off work every day. Some days, I would be off at 2 pm, others I wouldn’t be off until 2 am (and yes, this did happen relatively frequently). My job would often assign a random assortment of four-shifts and twelve-hour shifts with no way of knowing which it would be until the day of. I was constantly missing family events and canceling plans with friends the day of, and I built a reputation for being unreliable.

And so, after a few months, I left. The inconsistent schedule became too much. I began working at a TV station, and my family couldn’t have been happier about this job. They were so proud of me for getting my first “real” job. The job provided two weeks of vacation, a medical and dental plan, and 401k. On top of that, it’s always been a dream of mine to work here. Writing and storytelling has always been my passion. I thought that working in TV would allow me a foot in the door toward making my dream job of writing or editing a show or movie a reality. Unfortunately, that isn’t the case.

Instead, my job is exhausting. I thought working 3rd shift would allow me total freedom regarding my schedule for hanging out with friends and family. My body’s need for sleep has taken over that time. I never feel fully rested. I’m exhausted and sleep-deprived constantly, and I’m in a perpetual state of choosing between my physical health and my social health. Either I sleep, eat, and take care of my physical needs, or I stay awake during the day so that I can hang out with friends and family. In the little time per week that I’m not too physically tired to do things, I prioritize my blog and my youtube over working out because it’s important to me, as well as any potential viewers. (thank you for reading by the way).

Anyway, to make a long story short, I had been told my whole life that this would be a “dream job,” but I hated it. I hated the tan-white walls that surrounded me every day. I hated the boring monotony of my busy work. I hated the feeling that I wasn’t doing enough for my community or the people in it. I hated sleeping during the day. I hated the unstopping, air-conditioned comfort, which never ceased to confine me in a box of safety. I hated the constant stress of “business-like” social norms that I had to fall into. I hated the subtle blackmailing that I shouldn’t look for another job again for at least one or two years because it would be “bad for my resume.” Everything I had raised to believe about the ‘American Dream’ was a lie built by the business owners at the top to control us little people at the bottom. Companies don’t care if you’re satisfied with your job or if you’re making the amount of money you deserve for the work you do; They only care about making money. If I was going to find contentment in my career, it would be by slaving away 40 hours a week in a cubicle, doing paperwork every single day.

My problems with my jobs extended so much deeper than the logistical problems the job created. There is this persistent voice in the back of my mind telling me that I’m wasting away. The longer I spent at work living the mundane office life, the more vocal that voice grew. Why am I spending so much of my life sitting in this stupid, boring, and ultimately pointless job when I could be doing something more meaningful?

We all have aspirations for our life. Whether it be creating a film or being a state finalist in a sports competition or starting a family. They don’t all have to be so big and grandiose, but there are things that every person wants to do before their impending, inevitable death. But how do we figure out what these are? How do I know how to go about living my life in the most efficient way possible so that I don’t accidentally end up wasting it? Why am I trying to live life most efficiently? Why am I so afraid of time passing?

According to Cleveland Clinic, the fear of time passing is more commonly known as “Chronophobia.” While not a diagnosis within itself under the DSM-5, it is classified as a “specific phobia under the larger umbrella of anxiety disorders” inside of the DSM-5 and is apparently very closely linked to both PTSD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Laura Dorwart, writing for VeryWellHealth says this about the subject:

“While anyone can develop chronophobia, there are certain experiences and environmental factors that put someone more at risk of developing an intense fear of time.” – Laura Dorwart

Some of the different experiences which can make someone more likely to develop Chronophobia generally tend to be events like Natural Disasters, pandemics, and other health-related emergencies and near-death experiences. This, of course, makes complete sense. If you’ve just had a near-brush with death’s hand, of course, you’re going to start thinking about the time you have remaining and everything you’ve done up until now. It also makes sense why someone with depression, generalized anxiety, or both would be more likely to develop this fear of time, since depression and anxiety, in my personal experience, both tend to originate from a place of existentialism.

Because of all of this, I’ve been considering leaving the office job and going back to working at the Moving Company. After many conversations back and forth, I was able to convince them to allow me to have three dedicated days off in a row every week. This means that I won’t have to worry about what time I get off every day because I can just schedule social events during my three-day weekend. They liked my work ethic, as well as my attention to detail, so they were willing to cut a deal with me about the schedule that most people don’t get. Even still, I’m really scared that this is a huge mistake.

In an article published by PubMed, Michel J Dugas, Nina Laugensen, and William M Bukowski describe a relationship between worry and intolerance of uncertainty, saying this:

“Multilevel mediational analyses revealed a bidirectional and reciprocal relation between intolerance of uncertainty and worry…The findings show that relative to fear of anxiety, intolerance of uncertainty may play a greater role in the etiology of worry in adolescents.”

To rephrase, when someone can’t cope with anxiety, there is strong evidence to suggest that it may be linked to an underlying inability to cope with uncertainty.

Psychology Today goes into more detail with this, describing the work of researchers Michel Dugas and Robert Ladouceur, who back up this idea that one of the core tenets of worry is an “inability to tolerate uncertainty.”

I’m scared of leaving this job. I hate working the office life, but I’m afraid that my family will judge me for it. They will say that I’m making a mistake. They’ll say that it’s stupid to switch from a cushy office desk job to a career of back-breaking manual labor. I’m afraid of what my career might look like later when I inevitably decide to stop doing blue-collar work again. What if everything people have been warning me about switching jobs every 6 months is all true? What if I end up saddling myself with manual labor for the next thirty years until I’m fifty years old on social security, stuck to the couch because my body feels like I’m ninety? What if I go back and realize that all of the memories of my old job are simply romanticized? What if I’ve grown accustomed to the office life, that I’m too ‘soft’ for manual labor anymore? What if… what if… what if…?

To summarize this unnecessarily long, drawn-out post, there are a few things this whole ordeal has taught me:

Firstly, it’s that living life through fear is the most intoxicating and imprisoning thing one can ever do. It doesn’t matter if it’s neglecting to ask out the person you like, going on that vacation, talking to someone you’ve been afraid to talk to, or taking a new job opportunity. There is nothing you will regret more than asking the question “What am I missing out on right now?” Take the leap. Tell your crush you like them. Go on that adventure you’ve been wanting to go on. Speak with that person who is scaring you. Take that job opportunity you’ve been looking at pursuing. Don’t let the fear of uncertainty stop you from doing what will make you happy. Take the leap of faith. You only live once, right? Don’t waste it on fear.

Secondly, this has taught me that jobs want you just as much as you want them. No way would I be able to cut a deal with the moving company if they didn’t want me, and no way would I have gone back without that deal being made. And so, when you are going for job interviews, don’t be afraid to negotiate a little bit. Don’t be afraid to say “I would love to work here, but I would need [request] in order to make it work for me” because chances are, they might say yes. Just be sure to also remember not to push your luck too much, or they might find someone else who is less picky. It’s all about knowing your worth, and you’re worth quite a lot.

Lastly, this has taught me that you don’t have to decide on one career to pursue forever. At any time, you are always free to leave and find something else that will make you happy. It doesn’t matter what other people think. It doesn’t matter what my parents think about me switching jobs. It doesn’t matter if my family is happy or angry or disappointed with my life. The only thing that matters is that I am proud of myself and the life that I’m leading.

For years, I’ve been dealing with the question, “What are you going to do with your life?” But really, the question I should have been asking is “What do I want to do for the next little while?” The rest of your life is FAR too broad to be setting expectations. On the opposite side of the coin, setting a specific number like “2 years” or “5 years” or “2 months” minimalizes the fact that life is constantly changing. The future is full of uncertainty. Circumstances change, and as you learn more about yourself by living through life, your wants and aspirations will change. What’s strange is that as your aspirations change, you will slowly realize that they are somehow becoming more and more in line with not only who you are now, but who you have always been.

In the past, I wanted to be a full-time streamer so that I could play games with people online and influence my viewers. When I was at the moving company, I loved helping customers comfortably transition into the next phase of their lives. When I took the job at TV Station, it was so that I could work artistically to share my creative vision with the world. And now, my goal is to become a blogger full-time so I can help teens learn all of the life lessons no one taught me. The goal, however different, is always the same for me: I want to help people become the best versions of themselves that they can be.

Over time, you, too, will change and grow, and you will realize exactly what you are doing IS what you are meant to be doing right now. Thinking constantly about fears of the future removes you from the ability to live right now, in the present. So go outside. Live some of that life that you’re so afraid of losing one day. Instead of thinking about “What do I want to do for the rest of my life,” ask yourself “What do I want to do for now?” Keep asking yourself that every few months. Ask “Am I doing what makes me happy right now?”

Rephrased, “Looking back, will I be happy with where I’m at right now?” If the answer is no, whether it be about a job, a relationship, a decision, or basically anything, switch it up. Try something different. If you are happy with where you are right now, stay for the time being, and then reassess again in a few months. And remember this: The only person who can tell you how to live your life is you. Live life on your terms, and never stop striving for a life filled with fulfillment and joy. Thank you.

Sources:

Time Anxiety: Signs, Causes, and How to Cope (healthline.com)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder: PTSD: Symptoms, Treatment & Definition (clevelandclinic.org)

Fear of Time (Chronophobia): What to Know (verywellhealth.com)

Living With Existential Depression (verywellmind.com)

Coronaphobia and chronophobia – A psychiatric perspective – PMC (nih.gov)

Time Anxiety: 4 Tips to Cope | Psych Central

“But what if I’m THE ONE?” How Intolerance of Uncertainty Makes You Anxious | Psychology Today

Intolerance of uncertainty, fear of anxiety, and adolescent worry – PubMed (nih.gov)

Intolerance of Uncertainty Therapy for GAD (verywellmind.com)